...

I really feel like throwing up...
from the bottom and the top.
I have a headache.
I know what I am going to wear.
I guess I should simply shower and get dressed.

However, I will not...not for a while.

Pain

My heart beats fast.
My head throbs.
There is a lump in my throat.
I have diarrhea.
I feel sick to my stomach.

Morning...

Good morning.

8:23 am feels like the calm and destruction after the storm.

Yesterday was so tumultuous, woke up in the morning after a pass out  brief sleep to be tossed by life storms again.

Finally, out of exhaustion, I fell asleep.

Yesterday was so rough for me because I hated my living conditions and I felt trapped.

I felt like  I had an out and I did not take it.

I had a dream last night by the way.

It was about being on a beach.

It looked familiar.  It was a busy beach. I am not sure where.  It did not necessarily feel like Florida, but it could have been.  I had friends in the dream.
I also had family.

At some points, I was nude on the beach and I was ok with that.

There was some kind of conference. 

How do I feel today?

I don't know.

I am tired.  I've been feeling odd for the past couple of days.  I just assumed my cycle was coming on.

It's not here yet.

I am tired.

I slept so deeply that I woke up with my heart aching and crust in my eyes.  My whole body feels heavy with sad sleep.

Yesterday, I did manage to wash a load of clothes, which is a step in the right direction. 

I wish wash another load today and clean after work.

I will need to purchase another session of laundry detergent. It looks like the container to the old bottle that I had broke and all the contents have leaked out and dried. 

I am hoping that I will be ok today.  Nontheless, I need to get my day started.

Good morning.

The Escape

Dark rooms used to be
a comfort and solace to her
now, you never know
what vermin lies in wait
to nibble on her soft flesh

he kissed her once
with his mind
and she enjoyed it

Camillus House
I remember hat place
Like an open air market for
the Homeless

Train stations

I have never lived in as much squalor
as I live in now

Wait that is not true...
remember the trailer in Hallandale
with the rats?

Remember...

Misery...

4:18 am itchy eyes, stuffy nose, if ac on  too cold, if not too hot, can't sleep, awake, horror.

3:50 am...

The ac finally seems to be more secure than it was.  I feel bloated.  I think it's cycle time.  Just want to get it over with.  I did wash my first load of clothes in 9 months today, it was just linen.  I really could use a person to chat with, but everyone is either white or a perv. :(  I woke up an hour or so ago I guess to use he restroom.  Yesterday really seemed like a nightmare to me.  I hope it gets better.  I wish I could escape, but there is nowhere that I know of to go.

What Else Can I Do to Make My Day Better?

I'm going to visit StumbleUpon.

Still Angry...

I am still feeling very angry.  What can I do to get un-angry?
Focus on my goals.   I am angry because I should get cleaned up for the day, but I have nothing to wear.  The funny thing is that the one thing that I would get cleaned up for is a .79 52 oz Icee, some fried chicken, and a long walk to talk off the stress.  I hate my living situation so much. It bothers me more because at the bottom of it all, it is up to me to change it and no one else.  I am still very angry.

3:54 pm  smh The whole thing just fell out of the window. I fixed it with some bungee cords.  I am so angry with myself I should have just moved.  I am really hating myself for this.  I felt that since I owed the money that I needed to stay but I did the wrong thing this is not good for me at all.  Does my goodness make me stupid. Apparently, I need to change or pray or something. omg

3:31 pm It didn't work...

3:31 pm It didn't work... and it didn't take an hour to figure that out...it took 15 minutes.  I decided to go outside and give the same treatment...only to find out that it had already fallen apart.  I had no choice but to revamp and plaster together in a homemade duct tape of sort, plastering plastic bags around the outside.  smh It would not surprise me if it has already fallen apart. I wish I had moved, but I'm going to leave it in God's hands.

TASK CHALLENGE-STEPS TO BETTER LIVING

2:51 pm Find Caulk
3:15 pm I have caulked it, put rubber cement on it, and if I had some duct tape, I would finish it off with that and subsequent layers of caulk and rubber cement, but alas, I do not so I will simply give it one hour to dry and see how it works from there

My anger is at myself.  If there is any situation, the situation can not last if you proactively work against it. I am thankful for realizing this, being strong (or weak enough to take a break, and being strong enough to start again.

Thankful for who I am.

We'll see in an hour how well this has worked for me.  I think in the mornings when I leave since I will not be using the unit I will continue placing fresh layers of caulk and cement and using plastic bags and masking tape to ensure no mess.

#thankful

What Can I Do To Change My Situation?

To change my situation, I can remain positive.  Focus on positive things.  Right now one of my hugest angst is the air conditioning.  It's so hot in here.  I can't focus.  I at least need a cool place to live.   I keep thinking that I should have kept the money, let him process the eviction and move out.  That would have been perfect.  I do not have to work today.  I would have been able to put all of my belongings in storage and move on with my life.  I am not going to get anywhere living here.  If I am able to overcome this situation and make it a positive one. I will definitely be a winner...no doubt.  I feel sick.  This environment is making me sick.  It is too hot in here. I have fixed the ac duct three times and have gone through numerous rolls of expensive duct tape.  I am going to do all that I can to take care of that first, this is absolutely senseless.

Good news:  1.  My hair is in a ponytail, keeping me cool. 2.  I have the option of being nude so it's better.  3.  I have caulk so I can try my best to do all that I can to get it together. 

This is truly a shame...but here's to positivity!

Anger

I am so angry at myself.  I live in a roach infested hell hole.  The others do not have the same fate.  My roaches were brought over from living with a Chinese scumbag renter for a year whose home was infested and the little of nothing that I transferred over with me, brought along the unexpected guests.  He has since made scumbag friends with other criminal boarders and has come across a fresh breath of air in a clean decent lady friend and is living "happily ever after".  I moved out though the rent was cheap because I was being harassed by the other tenant and her jailbird beau.  The renter's new lady friend saw this and called it out.  I received far more indignities than I would ever know.  Thanks to her for bringing the truth out so that I could see and understand that it wasn't just me that saw it...she did as well and saw more.  So I moved to a place with twice as much rent, twice as much trouble.  The new landlord moved half of my things in and after I paid him left the other half.  He treated me like garbage the whole time that I was there as well until he acquired a couple more houses and saw that the other tenants were not having it...he all of a sudden became more professional...I appreciated it, but the damage was done.  I was late  on my rent...I had an opportunity to leave but different things ironically happened preventing me from doing so...phone out of the blue broke in time sensitive situation, phone store reps giving me an endless run around, people slow to respond, then of course the doubt that I would be doing the wrong thing if I had the money to pay but left.  My only solace is that I did the "right thing", but I am still trapped in this hell hole and I can't seem to get out.

The Hell Hole

She sat in squalor. Surrounded by filthy clothes and 100 degree closed in heat of a makeshift garage.  She lived there a year amidst drug kingpins, numerous pregnant women sharing rooms with unemployed men.  Her own employment was sketchy.  She, at one time was a fish out of water.  She now emerged into a parallel species in a pond of scum.